1. Use their name
用他们的名字
There’s a big difference emotionally between “I was so sorry to hear of your great loss!” and “Oh Margaret, I was so sorry to hear of your great loss!” It instantly personalizes your note and expresses more emotion. In this two-dimensional, impersonal space, connection is the goal.
“我非常难过听到你亲人过世。”和“啊，玛格丽特，我非常难过听到你亲人过世”之间情感上有非常大不一样。它能立刻使你的留言个人化出来，并表达更多的情感。在这个二维，缺少人情味的空间里，目的是打造起联系。
2. Say more than one sentence
多说些话
Offer a bit more of your time and thought than just 4-5 safe words of condolence. Move past your discomfort and add a few more lines. It will stand out among the one-liners and have a bigger impact on your friend.
多花点儿时间想些不止4-5个词如此稳妥的悼词。放手不安，多写几行。它会叫你从那些只写一行话的人凸显出来，对你的朋友产生更大的影响。
3. Keep your comments simple in format
维持你的悼词形式的简洁
Shock, grief, horror, trauma…these emotional states slam the brain with tremendous power. The brain responds by shutting down several areas of what usually constitutes normal thinking. For instance, sometimes people experiencing these highly challenging emotions and states have trouble following complex stories or lines of reasoning. So don’t write a lengthy essay about grief and loss and the power of human connection. They need simple but sincere words. Try to include some of these phrases instead:
震撼、悲伤、恐惧、创伤……这类情绪状况以巨大的力量冲击着大脑。大脑通过关闭几处构成正常思维的地区而做出反应。比如，有时正在历程这类极具挑战性的情绪和状况的大家不会听取复杂的故事或长篇大论。所以不要写一篇关于悲伤、损失和人际关系的力量的冗长的文章。他们需要的是简单却真挚的话语。相反的，你应该试着用这类短语。
“I think of you every day and wish I could do something to make life easier for you.”
“我天天都在想你，期望我能为你做些什么，叫你的生活变得更容易一些。”
“We can’t imagine how difficult things must be for you right now, but you are a strong and loving soul who will somehow make it through this ordeal.”
“大家没办法想象目前的事情对你来讲是多么困难，但你是一个坚强而内心充满爱的人，总会通过这个考验的。”
“I imagine you are just trying to get through the hours and days right now. I’ll call you in a week to see how you are and offer my love and support more personally.”
“我想你一定想立刻渡过这段艰难时光的。我会在一个星期内打电话给你，看你过得如何，并会提供我更多私下的爱和支持给你。”
4. Avoid saying any version of this being “God’s will”
防止（如瘟疫一般）说：这是“上帝的旨意”的任何版本
Even devout people can hear this very differently than it is intended when they are deeply bereaved. Remember that they are somewhere between being in a state of shock and having heightened emotions, so they may hear this as “God wanted it this way.” If the bereaved say this, you can go with it, because they’ve set the precedent–the fact that they’re saying it indicates that this concept comforts them, so you’ll know it’s safe to agree. But saying it yourself puts you at risk of making a hurtful assumption.
当大家痛失亲人时，听到这句话所想到的会和这句话原本要传达的意义有非常大不一样。请记住，他们正处于一种震撼和极度敏锐的状况，所以他们可能把这句话当成“上帝想要如此做。”假如死者家属说过这句话，那你可以用这句话，由于他们设定了先例–他们说这表明这是一个能安慰他们的定义的事实，所以你会了解这句话是稳妥的。
5. Clichés are worse than saying nothing
陈词滥调比什么都不说还要糟糕
As mentioned earlier, they can come off as hollow when you are trying to be sincere. Stick with phrases like, “I wish I could say something that would ease your anguish,” “We’ll keep checking back with you to see how you’re doing–we love you,” and “I’m always up at in case you want to talk” are honest and supportive without being syrupy sweet. People appreciate that.
如之首要条件到的，你想表现出真诚而它们却非常空洞。坚持说像是如此的话，“我期望我能说些能缓解你痛苦的话，”“大家会一直注意你的状况——大家爱你，”与“假如你想要谈谈的话，我在 Tell them you’re thinking of them that day. Those notes can help your friend make it through the tough times.
巨大的损失—离婚、毁灭性的疾病或伤痛、失火、死亡——这类所留下的悲伤的深深的伤口会持续好些年。其他人都走了，只留下失去亲友的人一个人悲伤。在节假日的时候留神一下。记下有意义的几天（对于我的朋友们，会是父亲节节日，比如，或是在一年里，他们的爸爸过世的日子），告诉他们那天你在想着他们。
If you use these guidelines the next time you’ve learned about a loss through social media, you’ll know your words of comfort are balm to your friend’s soul.
假如下次你能用这类通过社交媒体学习到的悼词指南，你会了解你的安慰之词对你朋友的心灵是一种慰藉。
